Stupid politicians
OK, generally we cover stupid criminals, but in this case, there is a very real feeling that our state legislators, who just voted their jackass selves a massive pay raise, have decided to do nothing. A small group of Democrats and Republican allies are throwing a tantrum in the state Senate, since they lost a powergrab attempt during the organizational sessions earlier this year. So far, the result, our newly wage increased Senate is accomplishing nothing. It’s all part of the Alabama pay more, get less form of government.
This led to the following quote — one for the books: ‘‘I wish the psychiatric department of UAB were here because I think we’d provide an excellent training forum for them.’’ — Sen. Parker Griffith, D-Huntsville.
Shitheads.
Retards, plus plea for VW Westfalia answer
Designed a shirt at the Art Life Collective shop awhile back that says Save the Planet, Kill Yourself. I am sending it to these two guys. Actually, I noted before, there are as many stupid victims as there are criminals. These two fall into a growing category filed under “thinking with penis, not brain” victims.
Victim No. 1
An incident and offense report this week listed a local guy as the victim of theft. He admitted a strange woman into his house to use the shower …. then decided, while she was in the shower, to go grocery shopping. When he got home, the strange lady was gone, as was a metal box containing his personal papers and what he described as lots of “old money.” Our guess is he was sitting on a pile of Confederate bills. We are also betting he is short all or most of his frontal lobes.
Victim No. 2
Actually, this is a repeat offender. One of our reporters noticed the same man’s name on I and O reports and the local Sheriff’s Department over and over again, week after week, as the victim of petty theft. The reporter asked the public information officer what the story was. He said, “The guy keeps letting crack whores stay at his house. We told him, if you don’t want to get ripped off, don’t let crack whores stay at your house.” Duh. Though apparently no amount of negative reinforcers are going to stem the fool’s crack-whore habit.
That’s all for today.
Actually, I have done a ton of work on the VW, it is almost pimped. As soon as work becomes something less of an albatross (bleeding sea-bird flavor) I will get that up to date. Just a question to throw out there, while I’m thinking about it. The old Westfalia — mechanic’s vehicle — replaced the engine with a 79, ripping out the old VW fuel injection system. The dual Solex 40 carbs run well, but the entire thing is fed by an old Facet 12 volt fuel pump that is leaking, and covered with crud — encrusted actually. I have no way of telling the model. After checking the Web, I have gotten seriously conflicting numbers on what the fuel pressure coming off the fuel pump should be to adequately feed without flooding two Solex 40 carbs. Anyone have any ideas, please let me know. Kudos. All your bus are belong to us
Thinking ahead important when planning a drive-by
Been out of the office breathing new life into the old Westy, but more on that later.
Nothing warms the heart more than returning to work to find a pile of interesting things local criminals have been up to — really stupid, but interesting.
First off, when you are going to do a drive-by shooting, and the apartment complex you are going to shoot up only has one entrance to the parking lot, it’s a good idea to do the shooting on the way out. Some local men, three of them, found out that, if you do the shooting on the way in, by the time you get to the end of the lot, turn around, and head back out, the guy whose apartment you just blew full of holes has had time to get his 12-gage shotgun.
One of the shooters got buckshot in the ass, another in the hand. Police have not got their hands on the third guy yet. To pour a little salt in the wound, one of the shooters may also be charged with possession, since he got caught with a pack of smokes with crack rocks (just like Pop Rocks, but different) in it.
What’s better, when we reported where the suspects lived — not hard to find since they had to give the ambulance the address — he complained vigorously that we were making his neighborhood look bad. His troubles alllllllll stem from the evil media, not the house full of gang-bangers living across the street.
Some more advice, from dipshit criminal case of the week No. 2: If you are running from the police on a motorcycle, leading most of the city law enforcement on a high-speed chase at two in the morning, and decide to discard your fanny pack because it has in it, say, drugs packaged for sale, scales, drugs not packaged for sale, an illegal gun, and a list of your clients’ names and numbers, it’s probably not the best idea to leave your cell phone, registered to you, in the bag. It’s also dumb to dump the stuff in the neighborhood where your parents, one of them a municipal employee, live and where everyone will recognize you … Not that it mattered a whole lot in this case, because 1. the cops already got the tag of the bike and, 2. The neighborhood only has three ways in and out, which really makes it easy for the police to limit your exit options.
What’s better? The slob ran from the police when they tried to stop him for running a stop light — a simple ticket. Though, and this should be just simple common sense — if you have a load of drugs and other illegal stuff on you, don’t do stupid shit like run stop signs or speed. There is no end to the number of people around here who get busted for possession or illegal firearms or other felony-level activities because they failed to yield the right-of-way. duh.
Some strange laws still on the books here
Just a short post here on spending the night with your woman, then spending the night in jail.
It’s only a minor crime, but adultry is still on the books. Saw an incident and offense report, filed under domestic violence today. Usually not a funny subject, but…
Apparantly a wife came home and found her husband and someone going at it in the kitchen. She filed a criminal complaint against her husband. Adultry is still actually a crime here and considered a form of domestic abuse. I actually saw a copy of the police report — complete with names, since they are, after all, public record.
Who would have thought.
Brain damage still the king of it all, plus I hate spammers, custom designer ATHF Boston t-shirt
OK, slow week, been insanely busy with mundane office stuff … still, have a few pieces of local idocy to report … never any shortage of mouthbreathing here.
“I get in more trouble in my front yard than in a beer joint.”–local man, requesting the Council to “do something about” his “white-trash neighbors.”
Said in open meeting, soo, it’s fair game.
This is an old one, but it’s (former chief justice and all-around dipshit) Roy Moore, so it never goes out of style.
“A person is never biased by abiding by the law,” (Moore) said. “The law in Alabama says that sodomy is against the law.”
–Chief Justice Roy Moore, quoted in AP story. In addition to being poorly put, the above statement is wrong. “Sodomy” between consenting adults has been legal in Alabama since the mid-1980s.
Though someone else did point out:
Actually, it’s legal between married adults. If you are not married, you are breaking the law — but only if you get caught. Also, keep in mind, the great state of Alabama defines sodomy as just about anything fun — pretty sure slip-n-slides and beer fall under that category. The state also legally defines several people in a room with their shoes off and being in an orgy, go figure.
Still, why should anyone care what two consenting people do in the privacy of their own home. Again, the government is spending way too much time — and tax dollars — worrying about what is going on in people’s pants.
This is another outtake from one of our local council meetings:
“He’s basically a butthole.”
– Mayor talking about an engineer for the Department of Transportation who has given the town a hard time in its past attempts to get traffic lights, signs and lowered speed limits on a highway here. Hooray for Robert’s Rules of Order. Also for the court rulings making just about anything said in a government meeting public domain.
Now, just a shout out to all the spammers eating up my time and space on the Art Life Collective custom t-shirt designer’s forum: I hope you all die on my birthday.
Oh, and here is the Art Life Collective t-shirt design for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Boston Bomb Farce
If you want to stay out of jail, don’t sign your name, plus Aqua Teen shirts
It’s a basic rule of being a petty criminal — or any criminal — don’t sign your name at the crime scene. Again, it’s basic sense — just like don’t eat yellow snow.
However, as I ahve mentioned here again and again, we have a special brand of stupid infecting local criminals.
First up, we have someone — actually several someones — who have taken to defacing public property. The city, as part of a revitalization and renewal project, has been pouring new sidewalks all over town. About a week ago, someone started writing their name, nothing creative, more a Billy Bob loves Jo Ellen, sort of thing, framed with gang symbols in the wet cement. They have been doing it in the afternoons, so by the time the work crews find it the next day it has already set. That requires that the cement be ground down and repoured, no small task.
Unfortunately for the criminal, he used his real name and that of his girlfriend. But wait — just to make things easier on the investigators, it’s also the name he has on the vanity tag on his car. Police had no trouble finding him. He made their job even easier since, the second day he went out to leave is wanna-be tag in the cement, he did so only about a block down from where the street crew was pouring sidewalk in cement they had just put down.
Dude gets to go to jail. Even though his crime is a misdemeanor, he will probably get some real time here, at least a few months, since he is already out on probation for something else.
Now, we have several copy cats doing the same thing, on the same street. Even though the local paper has pointed out the city is going to prosecute for this, the new crowd learned nothing from their retard tagging idol. They too are using their real names.
Moving right along.
In a more serious crime, a couple of years ago, we hade a double homicide, a sort of driveby type crime that involved shooting into a car. Now, Alabama has made it a death penalty crime when a murder is committed by firing into or from a motor vehicle — this is an attempt to stem drive-bys and car jackings.
Investigators quickly had a suspect, but it took some work to get him here, since he fled to California. Eventually he was caught in a really basic manner, something like a traffic stop, and extradited back to Alabama. Now, word on the street is he may have sealed his fate. While on the West Coast, he put down an amature hip-hop album … where he bragged, in some detail, complete with names, about committing the murders.
Needless to say, there is something amazing about that level of stupid. Does it count as a Darwin award if the individual in question eleminates himself from the gene pool by getting the death penalty for something like this? It should.
Now, it’s time to make fun of Boston. I saw the photos, lots of them, of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force ads that caused all the bomb scare rucus. What a bunch of crap. The things looked like Lite Brites. By the description the district attorney and other law enforcement and government gerbils are using, I would be afraid to throw out an old VCR for fear of bringing the city to a standstill. Everyone says this is a post 9-11 era and things have changed.
Well, that’s just a huge pile of crap. Sept. 11, 2001 did not turn Americans into pussies. Sorry. It just did not happen. Though apparently, a lot of people in Boston seem to be way to tightly wrapped. There was no local angle to the story, so, as much as I wanted to, I could not justify writing that editorial.
Still, I’m a constitutionalist (tend to piss of liberals and conservatives on an equal basis, sometimes just for fun). So I came home and created a couple of custom shirts for our Art Life Collective project that should piss of exactly the right kind of people. The first shirt points out that people in Boston who raised such a fuss are a bunch of mouth-breathers. The other, an ATHF Bomb Squad shirt, should take care of anyone else I missed.
Just an aside, I’m sorry Anna Nicole died. I also don’t think it is news and am not going to let it run on our front page unless told otherwise by my superiors. Some news outlets still have integrity.
Dumb criminals and the people who make a living sending them to jail
Ok, so it appears it’s a bad idea to fly transcontinental in the wheel well of a jumbojet.
But that’s national news.
Here, things continue to grind slowly towards armageddon in a sort of painful, unending way. Local slob on trial for child pornography, some made with his son, some with his son’s friends. Now, we all know prosecutors put on an impartial face with dealing with human fungus like this. However, like the rest of us humans who came complete with forebrains, they think there is a special place in hell for these people. Take, for instance this quote from a local assistant DA on prosecuting this guy: “He’s a sick, twisted sack of shit, but that’s all off the record.” At least it was an easy conviction, after all, the police had plenty of video tape evidence to work with.
Then there are our politicians, many of whome are not much brighter than our criminals … of course, some of these guys are criminals themselves, so, go figure.
This one is from a county commissioner: “There are ways to raise taxes without putting the burden on taxpayers.”
Then there is these two:
“You can have some of mine.”
–White councilman to a black councilman who was bitching about the minority population of ward two being down to 75 percent after redistricting.
So goes the rest of the state, especially where this is necessary:
“The term ‘bona fide coin-operated amusement machine’ does not include the following:
a. Coin-operated washing machines or dryers.
b. Vending machines which for payment of money dispense products or services.
c. Gas and electric meters.
d. Pay telephones.
e. Cigarette vending machines.
f. Coin-operated scales.
g. Coin-operated gumball machines.
h. Coin-operated parking meters.
i. Coin-operated television sets which provide cable or network programming.
j. Machines which are not legally permitted to be operated in Alabama.
–Attorney General’s opinion dealing with video gambling machines. If someone there thinks the public needs help understanding that the above items are not primarily for amusement, I would imagine they need to get out a little more.
That is in response to court rulings that just about anything you put coins into that money might come out of is a gambling machine and illegal in Alabama. The only gambling allowed here is bingo, usually sponsored by a church, which are staunchly against gambling. Especially evident by the Christian Coalition taking money from out-of-state gambling interests to lobby against gambling here.
Well folks, that’s all the fun for today.
Why are you going to jail?
Mr. Bright (actual last name, and, no he isn’t) was sentenced to seven years in prison for distribution of a controlled substance. When he asked the judge why he was not placed on probation, his honor replied, “Because I’m the judge and you sold drugs in this county.”
Duh.
Stupid does not take a holiday
Life lession No. 354:
When stealing a truck — a felony here no matter what the condition of the vehicle — it’s probably not a good idea to grab one from a salvage yard … while workers a present.
The early 70’s Chevy truck only made it a matter of feet before breaking down. Guys stealing it are still going to jail for theft of a motor vehicle.
Also, nearly had a Darwin award. A group of local teens decided the other night to go joy riding. On a power lift. In a power utility substation. Luckily — or sadly — someone driving by saw the suspects and they were arrested before 1. Blacking out the west side of town and, 2. Frying themselves.
And, last but not least:
It looks like we have a huge black market for tasteless inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments. There have been maybe 20 thefts of these things — and police have no less that three suspects. For inflatable Santas and such. You know, if you are going to go to jail for something, better not be telling your cell mates it’s because you ripped of some old lady’s blow up Rudolph.
Don’t do this if you have warrants out …
Word of advice to you folks out there who have a bunch of outstanding warrants.
No matter how cool you think it would be … don’t be in a police-escorted parade. Was covering a community parade Saturday in one of our housing projects. Car came in to line up for the parade. Turns out, the passenger was wanted out of Birmingham on several warrants.
At least the police were nice enough to hold off on the arrest until after the parade was over so they would not make the arrest in front of a bunch of kids. Still. Someone needs to review the British military film: “How not to be seen”.
On another front. We had a report of damage to property. Guy breaks into his old girlfriend’s house to get all the stuff he left behind during the breakup. So far, no problem. Then, just to be malicious, he stuffs three sheets in the oven. Now there is a problem. Cops have not picked up the jilted boyfriend, but his day is coming — soon. It is, after all, a small town.
And now … stupid repo men meet stupid parent.
Local woman missed a bunch of payments on her car. Repo guys followed her to a local nursing home. After she went in, they waited about 30 minutes to make sure they had time, then went ahead and hooked up the car to the tow truck.
The two dumb and dumber repo dorks got a few miles down the road when they heard screaming. Turns out they had repossessed the car … and kidnapped the woman’s 2-year old the dumb bag left in the back of her car. Mom is undergoing intensive counseling from the good people at child services on where not to leave your childre.
Repo guys managed, somehow, not to get charged with kidnapping. Still, you would figure that, rule No. 1 on repossessing vehicles would be to check and make sure no one is actually in the car when you tow it away.
What’s really sad here is that the child is absolute proof the woman has already reproduced. We need mandatory Depro shots for everyone who spends more time breathing through their mouths than their noses.
